Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Blessings in disguise?

Often times I think I know what I want and when it needs to happen.  I am quickly reminded that it is not in my time frame or how it is supposed to happen.  On November 15, 2009 Devin and I went in for our 3rd IUI procedure in hopes that the 3rd time would be the charm.  On November 30th, I took a pregnancy test and to my surprise and total excitement it was a positive.  I went on to do blood work a couple of times and my numbers looked great.  Things continued to progress for a couple of weeks and plans started to be made for this new little one that would enter our home in August.  We came up with a plan to tell the family on Christmas. It was fun and exciting to let them all know, even though I was only 8 weeks along.  Three days later we were pumped to see the baby on an ultrasound and start to see the growth of this new little one.  I was super nervous as we entered the doctor's office.  As he started the ultrasound and was looking for the baby, I knew something wasn't right.  He was taking an awfully long time to find a heartbeat.  He just kept trying and even sent me to use the bathroom and come back to try again.  Still no flicker on the screen for us to see.  All I could think was how could this be happening?  It's not for real.  I had no sign or indication that this would be the outcome. I thought this visit to the doctor would be a happy one.  Well, we are given things that we never think will happen to us.  I wanted to ask why, but I knew it wasn't the right question.  All we could do when we left was pray for a miracle, and accept God's will, whatever that might be.  He knows us better than anyone and knows what we need to make us who we will become.  
A week went past and we went in again on Monday, Jan. 4th, for a follow-up.  We were hopeful, but I knew in the back of my mind what was coming.  The 2nd ultrasound showed no change.  I guess it was a little easier per-say this time to take the news, but I just felt a numbness and non-reality of this happening.  I have come to terms with it more now and know that God has a plan for our family and the timing of these little ones to come.  I know He is giving us the strength to bear this trial and send the peace when we need it most.  I know He is in control and that is the only thing I can hang on to at this time of my life.  The tears come and go, and I guess it is good to let it out, but I know these tears of pain will become tears of joy one day!  I know this because Heavenly Father has done this for us before!  So, I don't know why, but I know there is a reason and a learning experience happening again.  He knows me and my little family.  It is so nice to know that I am not alone in all of this.  I have been given a husband, who is my rock, a little boy, Parker, who is full of life, my amazing family, and wonderful friends! Thank you for your love and support!


Tara said...

I have been a terrible friend not keeping in contact with you. I am so sorry Melissa. Your strength and willingness to accept whatever comes at you amazes me. Thank you for being such a wonderful example. You're amazing! I love and miss you! Call me when you have time :)

Jacqueline said...

I cried when I finished reading this. I'm sorry Melissa. I wish I were there to give you a hug!

Shadoe said...


You are an amazing woman and I am HAPPY and GRATEFUL I get to know you. I just LOVE ya to death. You have an amazing attitude and I know you will be blessed. I wish I could give you a huge HUG cuz I miss them. Keep that gorgeous smile on that beautiful face. U guys need to come and see us.

bhallewell said...

I understand. And I admire your bravery in sharing this news. Having had my own struggles with having children, I know that it is hard to decide to either be silent with what's going on in your life and be judged for not having kids right away (or a big gap between kids) or share the intimate details of your life and get an on-slaught of advice from people, who mean well, but never have the answers. I'm not going to give advice, because you don't need it. But you are not alone! I am praying for you.

bhallewell said...

Oops, I was logged on as my sister-in-law. This is Jamie Jacobs Hallewell.

Melanie Lyn said...

awe you made me cry :(. i am so sorry! you guys are so strong! you have such a strong testimony and i look up to you a lot! thanks for being a great example!
p.s. parker is a cute little kid. how can anybody not smile when they see him?

The Adventures of Jakers said...

I'm so sorry Melissa...hang in there!

Bethany Gilson said...

Melissa, my prayers are with you today. Thank you for those inspiring thoughts. You are amazing.

Christy said...

You know you can call me any time! Please let me know if you need anything! I mean it!

The Christians said...

Devin and Melissa,

We love you so much and will pray for peace for your family in this difficult time. We love you!
Brooke and Jason

Nat said...

(I found your blog off of Melanie Oveson's...)

Sis. Dawes talked to my hubs at Roundtable last night. She told him what was going on.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry it has been a struggle for you to add to your family. {{{hugs}}}

When we talked a few nights ago, I had no idea why I was telling you everything that has happened to us over the past year. It isn't something I go broadcasting to everyone. I had no idea this was happening to you, and I am so sorry if I made it worse for you.

I left something on your front door this morning. It helped me out a lot!

Let me know if you need anything!

Natalie O.

Cammie said...

Hang in there my dear! You have good things coming your way, I'm sure of it!

ccrippen said...

Oh Melissa, I'm so sorry that you must bear this difficult trial but I know for certain that the Lord does indeed know us and what his timeline for us will be.

It is difficult to plan and plan, something I always do - have I learned nothing!, and then wait and hope that your timeline will match up with the Lords. It never seems to happen that way, but I have found that his plan and timeline are always so much better than mine.

You wouldn't know it by looking at our family now but at one time we were right where you and Devin are. It is tough to be in the moment, but in time you will have clarity and understanding along with a great peace and graditude for the Lords plan for your little family!
Lots of Love and Hang in there!

Char :)