A week went past and we went in again on Monday, Jan. 4th, for a follow-up. We were hopeful, but I knew in the back of my mind what was coming. The 2nd ultrasound showed no change. I guess it was a little easier per-say this time to take the news, but I just felt a numbness and non-reality of this happening. I have come to terms with it more now and know that God has a plan for our family and the timing of these little ones to come. I know He is giving us the strength to bear this trial and send the peace when we need it most. I know He is in control and that is the only thing I can hang on to at this time of my life. The tears come and go, and I guess it is good to let it out, but I know these tears of pain will become tears of joy one day! I know this because Heavenly Father has done this for us before! So, I don't know why, but I know there is a reason and a learning experience happening again. He knows me and my little family. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in all of this. I have been given a husband, who is my rock, a little boy, Parker, who is full of life, my amazing family, and wonderful friends! Thank you for your love and support!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Blessings in disguise?
Often times I think I know what I want and when it needs to happen. I am quickly reminded that it is not in my time frame or how it is supposed to happen. On November 15, 2009 Devin and I went in for our 3rd IUI procedure in hopes that the 3rd time would be the charm. On November 30th, I took a pregnancy test and to my surprise and total excitement it was a positive. I went on to do blood work a couple of times and my numbers looked great. Things continued to progress for a couple of weeks and plans started to be made for this new little one that would enter our home in August. We came up with a plan to tell the family on Christmas. It was fun and exciting to let them all know, even though I was only 8 weeks along. Three days later we were pumped to see the baby on an ultrasound and start to see the growth of this new little one. I was super nervous as we entered the doctor's office. As he started the ultrasound and was looking for the baby, I knew something wasn't right. He was taking an awfully long time to find a heartbeat. He just kept trying and even sent me to use the bathroom and come back to try again. Still no flicker on the screen for us to see. All I could think was how could this be happening? It's not for real. I had no sign or indication that this would be the outcome. I thought this visit to the doctor would be a happy one. Well, we are given things that we never think will happen to us. I wanted to ask why, but I knew it wasn't the right question. All we could do when we left was pray for a miracle, and accept God's will, whatever that might be. He knows us better than anyone and knows what we need to make us who we will become.